Dear Santa,

It’s Christmas, and I want to ask you for what every other five year old could want.

Can I have a pony?

I also kind of wanted a stuffed pig this year to add to my pig collection.  Oh!  It would be so cool if it sang like that one that I saw at the store?

Jimmy turned 17 the other day and got a laptop, so can I have a laptop too?  I promise it’ll be easy for me to learn how to use it.

Except while he was on it he began looking up pictures of naked ladies.  He said “Come here, Tyler.  Isn’t this awesome?”  But I didn’t want to see the naked ladies.  So I left the room.

Do all laptops show pictures of naked ladies?

The other day, my dad answered the phone really funny.  He said “Hello, Richmond residence.”  He doesn’t normally answer the phone like that when I call.  I want to be just like him.  Can I get a phone for Christmas so that I can say, “Hello, Tyler’s room?”  Because I think that would be really cool.

I was in my mommy’s closet the other day and she had these funny shiny, red shoes that had these really long sticks on the heel.  She called them pumps and told me that she wore them back when she was in college.  She said they made her legs look long, thin, and athletic.  She said they flattered her figure.  What does that mean?  Is that a good thing, Santa?  Should I ask for pumps to flatter my figure too?  

Mommy and Daddy are in the middle of a fight.  I always know when they’re fighting because they call each other honey and dear.  Mommy will say “Honey, where did you put the remote?” and Daddy will say, “YOU had it last, dear.”  They sound fine, but then they close their bedroom door and yell a lot.

When I ask Jimmy what’s wrong, he says that mom is PMSing.  Isn’t P a letter in the alphabet?  My teacher always gives me practice sheets because I keep writing it backwards.  For Christmas I want to know how to write P the right way.

Anyways, he said Mom was PMSing and Dad was hormonal.  I think he was making a joke, but I’m not sure.  

On TV, there were a lot of toy commercials while I was waiting for sponge bob.  There was this toy doggy that peed on a little slip of paper.  I laughed when I saw it, but Jimmy came in the room and got kinda mad.

“Wow,” he said, “what are toy companies making?  A dog that pisses.”  

Oh man!  Santa, I’m sorry!  That’s a bad word!  Shoot!  Now God isn’t going to like me anymore and you aren’t going to bring me presents!






Sorry Santa.  I got scared and started crying so my mommy came in and told me that God will still like me and that you’ll still bring me presents.  I feel better now.  

Anyways, there were other toy commercials, like the one for the magnetic toys that build roller coasters!  The little round magnets look so shiny.  I wish I had them so that I could eat them.  They look like they taste really good.

Mommy said Grandpa is coming into town!  I love him so much.  My daddy likes him a lot too, I think.  Grandpa looks at all of the stuff we have and begins telling us of so many old stories of the past.

“Back in my day,” he says sometimes, “we didn’t have cell phones.  We had to walk to someone’s house to give them a message if they didn’t answer the phone.”

“Times have changed,” Daddy says.  Grandpa makes this weird noise in his throat and kind of talks to himself when Daddy says that.  Sometimes, when I’m alone, I do it too, but then Jimmy always asks what I’m doing and I have to stop.

For Christmas, Santa, can my grandpa come and stay with us all the time?  He promised he’d show me cool magic tricks and some of the magazines he gives Jimmy.  Except those magazines just have more naked ladies in them, so I don’t want him to bring those.

Sometimes, when Jimmy has his girlfriend over when Mommy and Daddy aren’t home, they start kissing.  What is it like to kiss someone, Santa?  Is it like kissing Mommy or Daddy?  For Christmas, can I have a girl so I can kiss her like Jimmy does?  Jimmy says its fun.

My dad and Jimmy get in fights sometimes.  My dad will ask Jimmy to do something and when Jimmy doesn’t do it, my dad yells “What are you going to do with your life, Jimmy?!”  Jimmy usually just says a bad word and leaves.  I always wonder where he goes…Maybe to see his girlfriend?  Do you know where he goes, Santa?

Someone called my family dysfunctional the other day.  What does that mean, Santa?  For Christmas, can I have one of those big books that has all the words in it so I know what it means?

Can I also meet you?  Or ride on your sleigh?  Every year I wait up for you but you don’t come until after I fall asleep.  My Daddy usually ends up carrying me back to my bedroom.  I try to stay awake, Santa, but I go to sleep at 8:30 usually and I can only stay awake until 9.  This year, will you come earlier so I can meet you?

Thank you Santa.  I can’t wait to see what you bring on Christmas!

OH and before I forget, can my pony be a girl?

Love,
Tyler Richmond (age 5)